When they finally release the iPhone where I live, it’s out of stock within a few days, and just being gone over the weekend made me miss the whole thing.

And why do loyal Apple customers such as myself get lumped in every Tom, Dick and Harry, that have never bought an Apple product in their life and suddenly want the iPhone with the big touch screen?

There should be a loyal customer program from Apple and any subsidiary selling their products, giving people like me the red carpet treatment, and first dibs on the iPhone!

Or…the store clerk simply asks a question about Apple to all iPhone customers. If they get it right, they get their iPhone.
If they mess up, they get slapped and have to go to the back of the line.

- Who’s greater, God or Steve Jobs?
- Err…Steve Jobs?
- Trick question - Steve Jobs IS God! *slap* Back of the line!

The statement at the end of e-mails Consider the environment before printing this e-mail has is now being rephrased as Please don’t print this e-mail unless you really need to! (Like I need another exclamation mark in my life…)

Well, exactly how do you define really need to?

If I don’t really need it, I won’t really print it.

One thing I will not do is engage in the internal debate of my personal and professional short and long-term needs of printing this e-mail versus any and all real  and potential negative consequences of doing so.

And if I really really need it? Rest assured, I will really really print it!

Why do people do this? Spend gobs of cash on sudden journeys around the globe, to come to someone’s funeral? Who benefits from this? Certainly not the dead person.

You better not spend a lot of money on coming to my funeral. If you’re too far away to drive - stay there!

I wanna see my loved ones while I’m alive. Not when I’m dead! Your visit is of no joy or consequence to me when I’m dead.

I’ll tell you what, cross an ocean to come see me while I’m still around, and you’ll get a no-presence-required-at-funeral card from me. Honest!

When watching TV it’s somewhat acceptable to pay less attention. It is after all a machine of perpetual unintellectial superficial - imagined or real - entertainment.

When watching a rented video you paid for it’s stupid. You wanna pay and then not enjoy it? Well, that’s your prerogative, since it’s in the privacy of your own home.

 When doing it in a movie theater - it’s infuriating! One of the few offenses to which I find capital punishment more than called for. Unfortunately most legal systems don’t share my view…

My big problem with people not paying attention to the movies they’re watching is not they’re own waste of time. You know I don’t care about that! But the failure to follow the plot inevitably leads to – questions! Lots of stupid questions, none of which would ever had arisen, had they been paying a minimum of attention.

 And then they expect that the person next to them – who may or may not have been paying attention themselves – to answer these questions.

Is he the bad guy?

Why did he kill his wife?

Is that his wife?

Is that Robert Deniro? Or is it Robin Williams? (This is in the final phase of a long sad medical history of not paying attention to movies.)

Pink is the new black, hetero is the new homo, humble is the new smug, right is the new left, et cetera.

Really? Let me tell you something: Shut up is the new eloquent!

Sony announced a while ago that they weren’t going to allow pornography to be distributed on blueray.
What’s up with that? Is it the position they’ve taken to defend the last moral highground? No porn i hi-res?

OK, you can watch the blind donkey molest the paraplegic nun, but you CANNOT watch in i hi-res! Unlike you, the good people at Sony have morals.

I’m out shopping and I see this white shirt with an Easy Iron sticker on it.

I’m curious as to if this means that the shirt is easy to iron or that it needs no ironing.

I’m sincerely hoping that it, like many shirts I own, is a case of non-iron. Otherwise there’s not much point is there?

I mean a non-iron shirt you just wash, shake and hang to dry on a hanger. Very practical. A lovable garment.

An easy-iron shirt? Well I still need to bring out and unfold my damn ironing board, refill the friggin iron, plug it in and wait for it to heat up. Who the hell gives a damn if it’s easy to iron or not? By the time I’m ready to iron I’m already frustrated!

There is iron and non-iron. Anything in between is completely pointless!

So I kindly ask the store clerk if this Easy Iron sticker means non-iron or just easy-iron? The poor thing doesn’t know, so she has to ask the store manager. So she asks him:

-The Easy Iron shirt. Is it easy to iron or doesn’t it need ironing?

He replies:

-The Easy Iron shirts are easy to iron.

That is the exact moment I realize that any further reasoning is futile. The combined intellect of these two people cannot outdo on the infinite wisdom of a two-word sticker.

I politely hang the shirt back where I found it. And then… iron right out the door…

From today’s paper’s front page: “7-year-old run over by schoolbus - died“.

How is that news? How?

“7-year-old run over by schoolbus - lived“. That would have been news!

And immediately following the headline there’s a highlighted quote from a representative from the bus company saying “It’s always a tragedy when these things happen“.

Well, of course it’s a tragedy when innocent children are killed, but your comment is still not newsworthy.

Maybe if she would have said “He had it coming that little prick, hes got no business straying off the sidewalk.”Now, THAT would have been news!

OK, you sent me an e-mail. OK, I’m considering the environment. Now what?

Maybe if you sent me shorter e-mails without unnecessary additions to your already abundant signature, it wouldn’t take so many sheets to print your damn e-mail in the first place.

Yes! You! Dark chocolate! I hate you!

Dark chocolate is not real chocolate!

Oh, I know, the chocolate aficionados are saying the opposite. That dark chocolate is the only true chocolate. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I’ll tell you what real chocolate is about. Real chocolate is sweet and creamy. It caresses my whole mouth. It makes me close my eyes and think of paradise. It gives me a sugar high. It gives me a calorie bonanza of strength. It makes my coffee taste better.
Give a child chocolate, and it’s innocent unadultered taste buds will welcome it as food for the Gods.
That is chocolate. Light brown or even white chocolate.

Dark chocolate on the other hand? It’s bitter. It has no sweetness. No richness. No harmony. It “takes some getting used to”. And it’s never plentiful, because it’s friggin’ expensive!
Give a child dark chocolate and the child will spit it out and never accept food from you again.