Trying My Patience

News headlines that aren’t news - you are trying my patience

From today’s paper’s front page: “7-year-old run over by schoolbus - died“.

How is that news? How?

“7-year-old run over by schoolbus - lived“. That would have been news!

And immediately following the headline there’s a highlighted quote from a representative from the bus company saying “It’s always a tragedy when these things happen“.

Well, of course it’s a tragedy when innocent children are killed, but your comment is still not newsworthy.

Maybe if she would have said “He had it coming that little prick, hes got no business straying off the sidewalk.”Now, THAT would have been news!

E-mail senders enclosing the phrase Consider the environment before printing this e-mail at the end - you are trying my patience.

OK, you sent me an e-mail. OK, I’m considering the environment. Now what?

Maybe if you sent me shorter e-mails without unnecessary additions to your already abundant signature, it wouldn’t take so many sheets to print your damn e-mail in the first place.

Dark chocolate - you are trying my patience.

Yes! You! Dark chocolate! I hate you!

Dark chocolate is not real chocolate!

Oh, I know, the chocolate aficionados are saying the opposite. That dark chocolate is the only true chocolate. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I’ll tell you what real chocolate is about. Real chocolate is sweet and creamy. It caresses my whole mouth. It makes me close my eyes and think of paradise. It gives me a sugar high. It gives me a calorie bonanza of strength. It makes my coffee taste better.
Give a child chocolate, and it’s innocent unadultered taste buds will welcome it as food for the Gods.
That is chocolate. Light brown or even white chocolate.

Dark chocolate on the other hand? It’s bitter. It has no sweetness. No richness. No harmony. It “takes some getting used to”. And it’s never plentiful, because it’s friggin’ expensive!
Give a child dark chocolate and the child will spit it out and never accept food from you again.

Restaurants that think you’re “world famous” - you are trying my patience.

On Washington Boulevard in Venice, California, right by the pier, is “Thomas World Famous Chili Burgers“.

Of course not a single one of my friends living in the area have ever heard of the place.

Listen Thomas, you’re not world famous when not even the locals know about you!

Now Thomas, take my world famous advice based on my universally renowned wisdom and ubiquitously reputed experience: Take “world famous” out of your name and replace it with “may ring a bell with some locals“.

Cell phone ringtones that sound like alarms - you are trying my patience.

I could rant for hours on the general subject of ringtones but I’ll limit myself to the ones sounding like alarms.

Don’t people distinguish between different alarm and alert signals anymore? Am I the only one left who thinks that a distinction should be made between the signal that signifies “Nuclear ballistic missile impact is imminent” and the one that says “Your tea is ready”?

And with those two serving as the different extremes of the scale, shouldn’t an optimal cell phone ringtone be a little closer to “Your tea is ready”? At least given the average phone call’s impact on a potential Armageddon?

Why do I still hear these outrageous ringtones?

It’s like:

WHEEH! WHEEH! WHEEH! Radioactive leak in compartment five! Seal the doors and commence evacuation!

Or:

BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BEEP! We’ve lost both engines! Mayday! Mayday! We’re going down hard!